Isn't it amazing that when you get overly sensitive it quickly borders on insecure?
Well that's how i feel.
I never used to make an effort and my standards were really high.
But now i'm making an effort and i feel like i'm the only one. So i'm not going to make an effort anymore.
Whatever happens will happen.
My spirit is weak and tired.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
If my memory serves me right
If my memory serves me right is such an ingenious title :)
I promised my friend that i would write something about getting to the point where i'm dating this gorgeous man.
How did we manage to get to where we are.
Maya Angelou has a famous quote that "Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at anytime."
That actually sums it all up.
The end.
Lol! So years back.
Almost 3yrs ago, i was a babbler. (yes, i have this funny habit of inventing words as i go along. Leah says that half the time she doesn't know what i'm saying! :) lol! Case in point Wabbling which is Babbling on paper, paper here being any material upon which one can make inscriptions :)
Back to babbles. So i'm telling this young man how one can never have too much chocolate on a random day, in a random month.
And then, it happened. Chocolates. More choclate that i could imagine. On my birthday. How??? How did he know my birthdate? i probably told him, sometimes i can be shady like that :) shady-cool is what! Anyhow,..so i left the exams room after my business studies mock to find my classmates all gigly and isht. i had recieved a nice SHIPMENT of enough choclate to keep my happy for at least 3 weeks!
From whom?
Ha! I was so shocked, i carried my things out of class and went straight to the car, with the help of Ciku. Thank God the driver was waiting. I couldn't bear the questions.
I was confused. Why would my friend send me all those chocolates? And as in, he actually listens to all i say when i babble?? Ai. too much!
So what was protocal? Did i call him, text him thank you? I don't even remember!
And his birthday was 30days later and that killed me. I didn't know what this meant. Were we getting each other gifts now?
Not to mention M, my love interest at the time was making phonecalls to the 254 every 3-4hrs from New-York, you wonder where tax payers money goes? He was missing school to go traveling with his dad a cabinet minister.
That is a story for another day and it's one filled with a lot of laughs.and depressed moments. Again, for another day :)
Fast forward to a conversation toward the end of the year, where we were defining each others future husbands :) yes girls do that :) at least these girls did.
She said "Mitch will be spoilt. She's not going to marry just anyone, because even when she dates just anyone, he turns out to be a mover and shaker."
Thank you for your prophecy which has turned out to be a great blessing.
All the men in my life have been doing great things with their lives. Not neccesarily conforming to societies standards but brilliant minds.
This post is however about one man and it wouldn't be right to talk about all those other friends of mine. For another post. Another day.
So Mr. Main man and i didn't really talk after that, and suddenly late last year we get back to communication and we talk okay, a little bit.
And then the frequency increased this year. We were now doing random dates every other week, that turned into every week.
My girls started to say, if they needed to find me, i'd probably be with Mr. Main man.
And then i started to fall. Which does take a lot of effort, since i can be pretty oblivious.
Boys have very bad timing.
So around this time, on the way from one of our "dates" he says that girls have this thing where they thing that just because they hang out alot the guy is interested.
WHAT???? EXCUSE ME????? Hello!!!!!
WHAT ARE WE????
So if you need any proof that i was at the time a bongo lala, and starting to be smitten, i said nothing :) I simply smiled at myself and took in a deep breathe and let it go. All of it.
The dates continued and well, now that his stand had been clearly stated, it was strictly platonic. Nothing further passed my mind. We'd hang out and just talk and in the mean time, i started to date again. I was by around March this year officially out of my relationship for a year and well, i wouldn't object to discovering someone new :)
Besides i now missed being kissed, holding hands and fooling around. I missed having someone to miss a little more and someone to bully and open my heart to. Someone to cry over, and someone to fuss over.
I've always fussed over my friends but this was different. I missed dreaming of the future with someone whose future i wanted to be a part of as more than just his friend,...
a willing
#nowplaying Never gonna be alone courtesy of the band Nickelback :)
I'm deep in the trongs of getting this mix done for B and well, it has been quite a journey.
I few weeks ago i was probably incapable of doing this. There are suddenly so many options of things to say, and in my journey, i've discovered that there's never really an inbetween.
If after 4 months together, officially that is, he makes my heart skip a beat, and the thought of him brings a smile to my face and a giggle escapes my lips,. that's just how it is. And the songs will tell me that it's love.
but really what is love?
My highschool teacher used a lesson that i have never fogotten.
"Love is a willing, it's not a feeling."
You can't possibly feel that you love someone. There is a combination of emotions however that helps you make the decision to love somebody.
The tingle in your feet. The butterflies in your stomach. The little things.
When i was younger, i never used the word love unless i meant it. Unless i meant that i felt that love for you in my heart. Lol! my love was all about feeling.
That's not neccesarily a bad thing. It actually isn't.
"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
-1 Corinthians 13:11
But now i'm older. And even when someone who i have chosen to love makes me angry, i love them anyway.
It's never on a whim.
Of course it does help when the love comes with good feelings but either way, choosing to love someone despite all that, gives me a sense of liberation.
I'm deep in the trongs of getting this mix done for B and well, it has been quite a journey.
I few weeks ago i was probably incapable of doing this. There are suddenly so many options of things to say, and in my journey, i've discovered that there's never really an inbetween.
If after 4 months together, officially that is, he makes my heart skip a beat, and the thought of him brings a smile to my face and a giggle escapes my lips,. that's just how it is. And the songs will tell me that it's love.
but really what is love?
My highschool teacher used a lesson that i have never fogotten.
"Love is a willing, it's not a feeling."
You can't possibly feel that you love someone. There is a combination of emotions however that helps you make the decision to love somebody.
The tingle in your feet. The butterflies in your stomach. The little things.
When i was younger, i never used the word love unless i meant it. Unless i meant that i felt that love for you in my heart. Lol! my love was all about feeling.
That's not neccesarily a bad thing. It actually isn't.
"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
-1 Corinthians 13:11
But now i'm older. And even when someone who i have chosen to love makes me angry, i love them anyway.
It's never on a whim.
Of course it does help when the love comes with good feelings but either way, choosing to love someone despite all that, gives me a sense of liberation.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Who is this person???
Of late i've been thinking a lot about who i am and who i was and what direction my life is taking.
I found that it really is quite sad how i've lost touch with myself. Unfortunately, the traditional ways i've used to find myself routine won't cut it this time.
Sleep, pampering and lots of exercise and some yoga breathing exercises just won't cut it.
I need something new.
Change isn't neccesarily a bad thing, problem is i'm not quite sure i'm changing into something beautiful.
The boyfriend says i've changed. Which is true. No matter how hard i try not to compare myself with him versus myself with my ex, i think i'm a MUCH more tolerable girlfriend now. Pleasant even. I'm calm and i don't have too much drama about me.
That's actually really a relief because boyfriend is that guy who takes charge of situations.
I take charge of so many other spheres of my life, i like to be able to kick back and have himtake charge sometimes, which has deteriorated to most of the time.
Did i mention with the calmer me, came the more rare and busier me?
Well, between class rep duties and school, and being the resident good daughter, i have barely anytime left for me, let alone b and then there's the girls.
I was recently accousted, in what seemed like an intervention. i rarely answer my phone and when i do, i'm more passive in the conversation. I respond to texts DAYS later and do i even need to tell u what happens to inboxes?
In the last month i have missed approximately 5 dates. Not because i had to cancel, but simply because i forgot. And isitoshe, there are more that i have cancelled :(
B has resorted to coming to Parkie to spend time with me in between classes and some get aways :)
I must say that i have some pretty amazing people in my life. When i'm swamped they know how to rally.
They have done the calling. Done the inboxing. Done the texting. I still get my weekly blessings spoken into my life and i see B every opportunity i get.
This holiday really is set to be refreshing. A lot of sleeping shall be done! And catching up with my girls and Mr. Man.
i have to sign out now because i have this unbearable pain in the left side of my abdomen.
oh my gawshHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
o.c
I found that it really is quite sad how i've lost touch with myself. Unfortunately, the traditional ways i've used to find myself routine won't cut it this time.
Sleep, pampering and lots of exercise and some yoga breathing exercises just won't cut it.
I need something new.
Change isn't neccesarily a bad thing, problem is i'm not quite sure i'm changing into something beautiful.
The boyfriend says i've changed. Which is true. No matter how hard i try not to compare myself with him versus myself with my ex, i think i'm a MUCH more tolerable girlfriend now. Pleasant even. I'm calm and i don't have too much drama about me.
That's actually really a relief because boyfriend is that guy who takes charge of situations.
I take charge of so many other spheres of my life, i like to be able to kick back and have himtake charge sometimes, which has deteriorated to most of the time.
Did i mention with the calmer me, came the more rare and busier me?
Well, between class rep duties and school, and being the resident good daughter, i have barely anytime left for me, let alone b and then there's the girls.
I was recently accousted, in what seemed like an intervention. i rarely answer my phone and when i do, i'm more passive in the conversation. I respond to texts DAYS later and do i even need to tell u what happens to inboxes?
In the last month i have missed approximately 5 dates. Not because i had to cancel, but simply because i forgot. And isitoshe, there are more that i have cancelled :(
B has resorted to coming to Parkie to spend time with me in between classes and some get aways :)
I must say that i have some pretty amazing people in my life. When i'm swamped they know how to rally.
They have done the calling. Done the inboxing. Done the texting. I still get my weekly blessings spoken into my life and i see B every opportunity i get.
This holiday really is set to be refreshing. A lot of sleeping shall be done! And catching up with my girls and Mr. Man.
i have to sign out now because i have this unbearable pain in the left side of my abdomen.
oh my gawshHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
o.c
confused
So ati i've changed my blogs name and domain like 3 times today only.
But i'm glad i have this one now, and hopefully that means i'll stick to it :)
It is after all, what i wanted from the very beginning :)
But i'm glad i have this one now, and hopefully that means i'll stick to it :)
It is after all, what i wanted from the very beginning :)
Of Gender equality stuff.
Sometimes it amazes me how little people know or understand the concept of gender equality. It's suche a pity that gender studies have not been included anywhere in the official Kenyan curiculum.
Now before you start to roll your eyes and think that you know what i'm going to say, i urge you to hold your horses if only for a while.
Gender has nothing to do with sex.
Gender actually refers to the role that men and women have been allocated within the sosciety, while sex is determined by biology, i.e. as i read it recently, what is contained in your underpants.
Gender equality.
When we speak about gender equality we are actually simply saying that, both the roles of men and women within the society need to be recognised as equally important in their own right. A simple example. That housework be recognised as a real job, just like going to the office to do a white collar job or even going to work with your hands as a juakali artisan or artist does.
Women and men can never compete with each other on an equal footing. It's a fact. Our biology does determine not what we can do, but what we can do better.
This is the most important aspect to grasp, because if women try to compete with men at who can be a better man, our achievements will definately pale in comparison. Not because we are less, but because we are better at something else.
This goes beyond the issue of gender to even ordinary duties. If I as an individual compete with someone whos strength is my weakness, i will without a doubt not do as well as they will.
It's a glorious thing to be a woman, both biologically and with regard to my gender.
And being a home-maker does not, under any cicumstances make me less of a professional or a career woman. It simply means that i reason differently, from a man as well as from my fellow women.
It really is about time, we took gender studies seriously so as to stop the flow of ignorant conversation going around.
Now before you start to roll your eyes and think that you know what i'm going to say, i urge you to hold your horses if only for a while.
Gender has nothing to do with sex.
Gender actually refers to the role that men and women have been allocated within the sosciety, while sex is determined by biology, i.e. as i read it recently, what is contained in your underpants.
Gender equality.
When we speak about gender equality we are actually simply saying that, both the roles of men and women within the society need to be recognised as equally important in their own right. A simple example. That housework be recognised as a real job, just like going to the office to do a white collar job or even going to work with your hands as a juakali artisan or artist does.
Women and men can never compete with each other on an equal footing. It's a fact. Our biology does determine not what we can do, but what we can do better.
This is the most important aspect to grasp, because if women try to compete with men at who can be a better man, our achievements will definately pale in comparison. Not because we are less, but because we are better at something else.
This goes beyond the issue of gender to even ordinary duties. If I as an individual compete with someone whos strength is my weakness, i will without a doubt not do as well as they will.
It's a glorious thing to be a woman, both biologically and with regard to my gender.
And being a home-maker does not, under any cicumstances make me less of a professional or a career woman. It simply means that i reason differently, from a man as well as from my fellow women.
It really is about time, we took gender studies seriously so as to stop the flow of ignorant conversation going around.
Reflections
Exam season came and went. I'm really glad. Although i feel more relieved than free. Maybe that has a great deal to do with the fact that this sem was really rushed and i hear it doesn't get easier. How depressing is that!
Anyhow,.i feel like we've barely spoken during this two week period and yes there is a lot to say and such.
First my first paper, Evidence 2 sucked some serious balls. i hated it. Absolutely. It wasn't quite a great start for thee exam period but the others,..priceless :)
Someday during my exams this week. must have been before Civil Procedure, B and his buddy showed up 30minutes to the paper. that was quite something. The one day we were histerical they showed up. It took me a while to settle down before i actually started to do the paper. Note to self: DO NOT do that again!
STill the paper was very do-able. All other 4 papers were very do-able :)
Fast forward to Thursday evening right after my criminal procedure exam. Which i had all the questions to as revision questions from class. The man actually gave us the paper in our notes. Telling us what he would bring in each topic and such.
It's too bad i forgot to read one which turned out to be the COMPULSORY question!!
Still i answered it ass best i could. At least i'll get 15 out of 30 in that question.
Moving on,..football.
I cannot even kick a ball so at least i did that. It was so much fun,..We ran around screaming laughing until we cried. It's a good thing i got to do that that day.
So i had told Mama Mark that i would be going and despite the fact that she furad for me, i parked her car, gave her the keys and then left. She delayed me anyway!
The trip to kabete was an interesting one.
The gurls had some interesting perspectives. Apparently Ushers songs make young ladies want
to get down ;) so ,..we even had a couple of samples.
This exam period resulted in me letting my hair down. Like really down.
I hang out with people i was formally to high and mighty to, simply because the company i kept allowed me to believe that i was beeter than others because they lived their lives differently.
So that evening was fun, we danced and ish. Brea had a sip of some guys drink and well,..lets just say it may not have been what she thought it was :)
Friday!!
Ms. J.A was to give us a briefing on our legal practice at 3 but due to African timing it began at almost $ :(
I was hungry. I had had breakfast with Kaggz at home after what seemed like a 5km walk :) hehehe,..so what if it wasn't a jog? It could've been!
Friday night rocked. That is all :)
The South Americans growing that fruit that matures and is ready for plucking after 10yrs are doing great great things. I am grateful :::) LOL!
Many more things happening but i've become LAZY already. I have so much to say but so little wil and energy.
And ION CHAPATIS!!! Yippeee!!!
Hunger. I'm out
xoxo
Cinna
Anyhow,.i feel like we've barely spoken during this two week period and yes there is a lot to say and such.
First my first paper, Evidence 2 sucked some serious balls. i hated it. Absolutely. It wasn't quite a great start for thee exam period but the others,..priceless :)
Someday during my exams this week. must have been before Civil Procedure, B and his buddy showed up 30minutes to the paper. that was quite something. The one day we were histerical they showed up. It took me a while to settle down before i actually started to do the paper. Note to self: DO NOT do that again!
STill the paper was very do-able. All other 4 papers were very do-able :)
Fast forward to Thursday evening right after my criminal procedure exam. Which i had all the questions to as revision questions from class. The man actually gave us the paper in our notes. Telling us what he would bring in each topic and such.
It's too bad i forgot to read one which turned out to be the COMPULSORY question!!
Still i answered it ass best i could. At least i'll get 15 out of 30 in that question.
Moving on,..football.
I cannot even kick a ball so at least i did that. It was so much fun,..We ran around screaming laughing until we cried. It's a good thing i got to do that that day.
So i had told Mama Mark that i would be going and despite the fact that she furad for me, i parked her car, gave her the keys and then left. She delayed me anyway!
The trip to kabete was an interesting one.
The gurls had some interesting perspectives. Apparently Ushers songs make young ladies want
to get down ;) so ,..we even had a couple of samples.
This exam period resulted in me letting my hair down. Like really down.
I hang out with people i was formally to high and mighty to, simply because the company i kept allowed me to believe that i was beeter than others because they lived their lives differently.
So that evening was fun, we danced and ish. Brea had a sip of some guys drink and well,..lets just say it may not have been what she thought it was :)
Friday!!
Ms. J.A was to give us a briefing on our legal practice at 3 but due to African timing it began at almost $ :(
I was hungry. I had had breakfast with Kaggz at home after what seemed like a 5km walk :) hehehe,..so what if it wasn't a jog? It could've been!
Friday night rocked. That is all :)
The South Americans growing that fruit that matures and is ready for plucking after 10yrs are doing great great things. I am grateful :::) LOL!
Many more things happening but i've become LAZY already. I have so much to say but so little wil and energy.
And ION CHAPATIS!!! Yippeee!!!
Hunger. I'm out
xoxo
Cinna
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