Monday Morning Blogroll

Today i am grateful for the opportunity to be here. The opportunity to make a change in the way i live.
This morning Tina Nzuki prayed for the strength to leave things behind.

"Not everybody has a right to speak into your life because you are someone special. A person of substance. You are created in God's image and He has great plans for you," she said.

This woman, she blesses my soul with her words everymorning. In the last 4 days she has prayed over my situation and she doesn't even know it. She has prayed over my fears, she has spoken words of life into my days and she has continued to set me straight when i feel i am about to falter.

It's strange how God loves me and has seen me through the most vile situations simply because i am me. Not because of anything i have or have not done, but because His love for me is something like the rising and setting of the sun, or the miracle of life..yes. That's what it is. A miracle.

I don't know what to do about my situations except pray. And even that to me is almost strange but peaceful. That He gives me joy that surpasses understanding simply because i believe in His unfailling love and faithfulness in my life.

This weekend was a hard one, but it's all set to get better. I am claiming my portion today. That portion is a peaceful life and gladness because my sorrows have been lifted.

Have a peaceful week my friend,

All my love,

Cinnamon :)

City Court 3

If ever there was a doubt in my mind that courts in Kenya were built with noo particular aesthetics in mind, those doubt were completly shattered, when i walked through the gates of City Hall.

Now one may argue that City Hall is not really court, but to a seasoned mwenye-nchi knows better than that.

On that note, u know, Kenya is divided into wananchi and wenyenchi.
The former being the 'elite' group of citizens who also happen to comprise a large majority of the inhabitants of this beautiful land we call home :)
The later however is a smaller group, off the top of my head i'd say close to 5 percent of the 40 million Kenyans.

Please do take note that this is my own uderstanding of the situation and statistics i have heard or read once so there is no real reference for this data, although it makes a good read anyway :)

Where was i? Yes, to sum it up..Wenyenchi are well educated and informed Kenyans who know all about their rights and that there exist countless ways to enforce their rights.

Back to City Hall,..

Walking out of the Nairobi Law Courts toward City Hall we crossed the road at the Zebra Crossing.

I've never used this Zebra crossing and why is kind of a bother to me. But then I remember this is the dreaded City Hall Zebra.. Which has been a the scene of quite some controversy and media attention, as Kanjo (read City Council of Nairobi Officers) are quite ruthless with motorists along that stretch of City Hall way..

Oh yes,..where was i?

It bugs me that i'd never used it,..
And before u raise ur brows like,..eish! Kwani my job is to cross roads? It is important that you note that City Hall way happens to be on my regular route.
In a car.
It really is no suprise then that i haven't used this crossing before.

We cross.

We approach.

The gates are opened.
We enter.

Heh! Shock upon me!
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight i was to behold!

No Cinna! Not that!(truck) to the left of it!!!

A barn like container. More like a horse carriage. And thrust above its door, a white board with the following inscription upon it, in black paint. It read

"City Court 3"

Seeing as my eyesight hasn't been in tip top shape since late December I ask the girl beside me if i am being decieved by my eyesight...
*tsk*

And so it seems, this will be my reality at least for the next few weeks..

It's a girl thing :)

Heh! So yesterday i had a long ass conversation with a friend that left me almost broken! Not just broke! Which is how Prof. (ret) judge Mutungi explained bankruptcy versus insolvency.

What was it about?

Have u ever known someone to be of a particular nature and then suddenly as if they were day and night they changed?

Well, a friend of ours who was previously quite something to hanlle. And i say that with all the respect in the world, as she remains our friend and well, that demands some respect :) ..
Back to the story.

So, this friend all over sudden is sweeter than honey, and getting along could not possibly be more of a walk over!
She's apologizing for things we'd all learnt to live with and the amount of decorum that is on display! My gawsh!
( side note: i really should get back to reading, especially since i really tried to think of a simile for that last statement to no avail :( and so we continue )

I can't help but wonder if this was a boyfriend what would we think?
Not too long ago, a girlfriend forgave her boyfriend for a little indiscretion that came to light and well, the kamukunjis that were not held by the guys to try and undestand it! Aiyaiyai!

The main issue at hand was to try establish, why this young lady, was ever so forgiving. Could she be doing the same thing?

I couldn't help but laugh at this tale.
Doing the unexpected really does confuse people!

Do the unexpected today :)

Insomniac

Sometimes i get so weird, i even freak myself out, i laugh myself to sleep, it's my lulluby..
I'd rather be anything but ordinary,..
-Avril Lavigne
:) I can relate to the laughing myself to sleep. I'm a bit weird like that.
I laugh myself to sleep, cry myself to sleep, dream myself to sleep..

These days however i have found myself at the mercy of my body (nothing worse btw)
No appetite and consequently exhaustion, nose-bleeds,..
Not to be blonde but i'm pretty sure that the medical suveniours the folks kept from my childhood operation were adenoids so nw my sinuses don't swell, which is what caused my nose-bleeds, but they'r back now,..tsk.tsk.

Oh yes, where was i,..
Mercy of my body.
Now i'm too hot to sleep. I've dropped my towel in cold water and laid it on me, but oh no! I'm still hot! Even the towel is now hot!
I shld get checked for a fever or something.
And somehow in the midst of this discomfort there's a little part of me that thinks its kinda great because all that letting go of my regimens will recieve painful but essentially effortless remedies,i.e. Dietless weightloss, esp. Because i don't have an appetite anyway :)

Insomnia is my latest symptom. Exhausted, hot, no appetite, nose-bleeds, nausea, now...INSOMNIA!

All i can do is be but sorry for all those who'll encounter me today. I'll probably look DEADest!

The strangest thing is that the sicker i get, the more positive i get! I'm such a happy person when sick it's amazing!
Opposites really do attract.

But i really should get back to working out.
The hips and thighs are getting, forget getting, they are already loose and flabby, and it took me a year of jogging for half an hr everyday to get any tone into them! I'm so done for..
Oh well,..maybe i'll start as soon as the sun comes up today before court. If i have the energy. :)

I wabble.

All my love,

Cinnamon.

The project,..

Dear blog,

I realise that i tend to emit stuff, from my memory fairly quickly. A perfect example is the long list of blog ideas on my phones to do list.

I had a good day, and hearing how happy it made S made me very happy, so i figure i should allow you to share in that joy :)

one of the highlights of the day was meeting a struggling writer and singer, (read: Artist). He sings in kikuyu and dared to say that i look  kiuk! LOLEST!!
Eish! Flattery will get you everywhere!

but this was pure charm. Anyhw, i didn't buy his art, even though i wish him well :) God Bless your beloved heart.

Yes. The project.

remember the ..."man is inately bad" Apparently hope is greater!
So i presented my proposal for a mentorship program to my friends and the support was IMMENSE!! 25 and counting pledged their support.
If man is inately bad, i am thoroughly blessed to know the inately good ones. Not perfect, but inately good :)

So project is on track :) and i didn't even have to use my feminine wiles to get volunteers! :) the JOY!!! :)

When it's up and running, maybe i'll fill u in on details but as of now,..that's enough :)

The grass is greener..

Heh! 

Whoever came up with that phrase really did know what he was talking about.

It reminds me of  a time when Weru asked me what was wrong with me, don't i vet people before i welcome them into my fantastic life? :) Hehehe,..

Apparently i don't. And thus the reason why i find myself thinking, that the grass must indeed be greener on the other side, that translated means, i was happier before i got myself involved with you.

Of late, i find myself examining some of the relationships i have created for myself and well, i must say that i have done well.

First,

i have done a darn good job of weaving myself into a tangled mess of meaningless relationships that i'm either too afraid to let go of, or that i couldn't care less about whether they continue to exist or not.

And then, there's that other group. The support system  have built for myself, that consists of only two constants. God  and family.
Although not all related by blood, i have a sister from another mother,..even though the closeness of our relationship describes at least the blood relations between identical twins.
I can tell her exactly what's on my mind, when it's on my mind.
Sometimes i wonder, what would happen to me if she ceased to be in my life.
I can tell you for one, i would be one shy, scared and unambitious person. I probably wouldn't be doing any of the things i'm doing with my life. Because even though i don't follow her advice always, it's nice to share your ideas with someone who always has your best interests at heart.

Then, there's the roving constant. These are the good friends who i trust and love dearly. Many of these relationships are less than 5yrs in age and those which are, have stood the tests of time.

The coolest thing about this group is that we easily pick up from wherever we left off, even years later! :)

So in that department i haven't really neshed :)

What was this post about again?
oh yes.
grass and greeness..

Once my uncle told a joke that people who live in large houses always have something negative to say about their homes to those whose homes are not as palacial :)
okay fine, it wasn't exactly a joke, but more like an ironic story.
Those who view life from the outside don't see that when you move into a new home, with a large front yard, lots of plants, lots of space, get pets, there's a whole new set of challenges that come with it.

They don't see the cost of the guards, maintaining the dogs, keeping the lawns perfectly manicured, or even the wars with the children to help dust the home.

Hey! I'm not saying tha it's all gloom darling! I enjoy the perks that come with a larger home. My own room. Space to meditate with, a large kitchen, car priviledges, it's such a pity though that the house still isn't big enough so as to ensure i don't run into my hormonal teenager of a 12yr old sister :(

Anyhow, the point of this post is that,..
sometimes, when people feel unappreciated, or even under-valued, they tend to think that the grass is greener on the other side. So make sure, that today, those who matter to you, know how much you appreciate them.

I appreciate every single person in my life, even though sometimes they may drive me up the wall!
It is after all,..

                                               the spice of life!

All my love,

Cinnamon.

One hard day!

I'm writing this seated on the ground in the dark. Actually seated under one of the security lights on the walls at home.
Snakes have been known to live this particular area of the compound and i knw why. On any other hot day the wall on this end is hottest.
Tonight however, it's cold.
It's coldness somehow seems to add to the sadness that i feel inside.

A man's greatest need is to be respected.
A woman's greatest need? Affection.

Women give affection. It's the only way they know how to love.
Since when did women believe that if u give him what he needs you'll get what u want?
I find myself in that sort of predicament.
Since when did giving someone the kind of respect you would like to be accorded, guarantee that u'd get that kind of respect back?

Today has been a particularly hard day. Not because anythting broke me, but because my spirit was broken.

My morning was amazing. My morning comprised a simple prayer and request, and that request promptly answered.

At this point i find myself fighting tears and a heavy heart but i'm determined to finish this. Besides it's my first e-mail to blog post :)

At some point in the afternoon, i never know the difference these days anyway!
A lot of tribal talk.
So this ass of a woman who used to pick and drop my siblings to and from school, has been spreading tribal stories about my family, and particularly my siblings and parents. Our neighbours who happen to be very good family friends who've shunned all the little ploys by our Kikuyu neighbours to get the Luos out of the area called.
Mother was soooo mad, she ccalled the woman and told her off. So the woman hung up on my mother.
Useless bitch!
At some point in the conversation she asked my mother if she was threatening her. My family does NOT make idle threats.
We don't pull rank. But if we needed to. Trust me. We would little bitch.
We could seriously sort u out. Do NOT mess with us!

So what if my parents are proud? I am! They bloody hell have a right to be!
They started out in frigging UMOJA! And even there,they couldn't afford to house, and properly clothe or feed themselves!

BITCH!
My parents worked their way up!
And God has always had their back!
How else do u explain that my once dying brother lives?
That my sister missed death by a whisker at birth?
And despite all the juju, i drove home with an unbolted tyre from town to home through Kiambu rd.?

We've been through it all BITCH!

Not too long ago, my folks almost couldn't make the payments on their mortgage! And my dad lost his job.

Sometimes how we survive is a sheer miracle!
From school fees to the car breaking down!

We pushed our Peugeot for almost a yr before the folks could do anything about it!

BITCH!

I've been robbed!
In Karen! Damn it! Almost car-jacked!!

My parents are perpetually threatening to leave each other! HELLO!

Tribalism is the least of our worries!

BIATCH!!!!

And now, i'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome.

People say u can be lonely in a crowd.
And they're right.
U don't have to be alone to be lonely.
Today i'm having a lonely day.

And Mr. George T. Mwendwa has this knack of calling me on those days. It's like we have some sort of esp. Always have.
But instead of answering his phone calls (all 5 of them) right when i needed to pick up the phone and hear him say in his charateristic towtally rehearsed baritone (private joke) "Hey there beautiful"
I let it ring.
Now all i want to do is text him. I know he'll call me and i won't want to hang up.
And then i'll need another one of those long conversations with S about why it will not and did not work, even though i know she likes him. Not likes-likes him..but likes him.

And besides i've got B :) which is really nice :)
The thing about being in a relationship is that u'r secrets are not just yours. They belong to the other person as well.. :) and that is all i will say :)
The end.

I think i'll call Waweru, and cap it off with S, the two people who know just what to say.

2011 shall see more letting go of the past and allowing the new people in my life to know what i want and need.
Honest communication. :)

Even though the end is near, i can feel it, unless Jesus intervenes!
Problem is,.. I don't know if i want him to :/

All my love,

Cinna.
Xoxo.

Man is inately bad

I have high expectations of people. It's who i am.

I judge and i have high expectations.

Mama says i can't be blamed for it. I am an eagle, and the problem may be that i expect too much from chicken.
I'm a wanna be over-achiever. I love to read. And i love to hang out with my friends. I love my family. I love telling retarded jokes, and laughing with mum until our eyes tear.

I love to call up my best friend when i'm feeling low or embarrased or excited. Scream, cry, laugh, walk the dog, yell.

                                                                So what if i change my mind a million times in a day.

                                                                       The best thing about me is that i have NO formula.

i never once believed what our Evidence lecturer told us.
                       Character is not that which is deduced from events, but the character of a person is the general impression that the community around the person has of the person.

i am the perfect case study. No one event can give one a total impression of my true character.

Back to my topic at hand :)

After i was told that i expect too much from people, i consulted mother dearest. She could not for the life of her understand why i would think that.
But when i explained it to her, that it meant that i basically expect peoples inate nature to be good, she said that people were not like that. And if i expected that i would be dearly disappointed, i was deeply troubled. Which brings me to this blog :)

If people are inately bad, what does that mean for the hope i have in humanity?
Should i not expect my boyfriend to be a gentleman with me? That he should cheat, be disrespectful, loving and at the very least courteous?
Should i expect my best friend to share all my secrets with the world and run away from me when i'm most vulnerable?
Should i expect the only human being pre-disposed to love me,my mother, to abandon me?


Here's the thing.
I don't expect too much from people.

I expect my friends to be loyal.

I expect my boyfriend to be courteous and encouraging and respectful and loving and driven and ambitious.

I expect my mother to always have my best interests at heart.

I expect a class representative to be an efficient and dilligent servant.

I expect to go to school and attend all classes when scheduled.

I expect to have people i have entrusted with my property to respect it.

I expect only what i give. And if i cannot give it. I do not expect it of anyone.
That definately doesn't mean that i am perfect! FAR from it!
But i apologize if i fail in any aspect.

Because despite whatever i may be feeling, i'm inately pre-disposed to be good. I have human nature but i'm made in God's own image. Not just that i have a soul but that because He is good, i am pre-disposed to do good.

O well. Hali ya maisha, right?
But that doesn't mean i'm going to lower my expectations of chicken.. it simply means i'm going to need a turn over of people i expect things of.
Besides, if i suspected u were a chicken, i'd never expect more of you. It was always just a show of my faith in your abilities.