Chronicals of getting back on my feet :)

What does it say about me if i love Pink's song -Please don't leave me?

I love everything about it. The video and even the song itself.

There's something about that level of desperation and vulnerability in a relationship that i admire.

OBVIOUSLY the gentleman feels FAR from the same! LOL! She released bloodhoods on a wounded man in a wheelchair! HELLO! Can u really blame him?? :)

Yesterday was a struggle getting to bed.

It's one of those things you can't really explain. Like going to bed makes all this real. I wasn't having a hard day. I really wasn't. I just couldn't bring myself to sleep!

I need to compile a break up survival kit. Although what i find is that it's rarely what i expect from a relationship. Any relationship really.

What did i do after my last break-up?

I cried my eyes out. I really did. I sat in my room and cried, and it was a month before i could face the world and pick myself up.
Why did T and i break up?
It was what i needed to do. I loved him, he loved me, we were in love, but one day he said something to me that i could never forget.
With my background on abusive relationships, i needed to get up and leave.
We cried about it, and even though i could probably see a future with him,now, not then, i'd rather not.
M says there's fresh fish in the ocean, so to take my boat out to sea.

This time,i don't feel the need for that. I guess i just hit the ground running. Wanting to move on.

Everyone seems to insist that i should cry, but past experience has taught me that that solves nothing. You know what they say,

'No use crying over spilt milk.'

I'm however angry. I guess that's part of the healing process?

I don't want to be angry too long though. I want to just get over this and move on.
If i'm angry too long, i'll get bitter and that's not good for Mr. Next.

I'm actually kinda excited about Mr. Next. Granted the vetting process will b more streneous but we have a new approach.
We here refers to the girls, the guys and i.

I just really want this to be over...This being the designated mourning period.
Like i said, i'm not much of a mourner.
I much rather prefer getting to know what i need to learn from a particular situation and moving on from there.

I however have something up my sleeve, but i'm choosing not to count my chickens before they're hatched.
You will however know all the exciting details as soon as it is prudent for me to disclose them :)

Today is my baby cousins baptism. These twin babies are quite something.
My aunt is a new addition to the family, granted it's been over a year now but still,..she's new. She's young.

And karma's a bitch! And no matter how much i want to let eggs hatch,..i'll say God is very much alive, and as i do unto others, so shall be done to me.

Yours,

Cinnamon
Xoxo.

It's over.

I lay in her arms and i wept.
 I wept with all i had in me.
It was more like tears and hysterical fits of laughter.
I can't cry much anymore, so i laugh.

She moved from the other end of the bed where she had sat only seconds before. Now i was held firmly in her arms while i cried. I could hear her heartbeat. She wept with and for me. My best friend.
She listened to me as she's always done up to what's quickly approaching millions of times.

She's the one i call when i need to scream, laugh, rejoice and cry. And like i've said before, i have never learnt the art of gentile crying. She held me and she loved me as the mascara and eye-liner smudged and as my nose began to run. As i began to tremble.
She didn't speak a word. She just held me.

She was the one i told, when it began, and she was the one i was with when i realised that it was now trully over.

There's something about loving someone. What they don't say hurts, it hurts deeply, but what they say, hurts even more.

I guess some part of me was holding on, hoping, but nope. Nothing was going to change the fact that his heart was no longer in it.

I could feel it. And my heart?
It broke all the way home. All the way to her house. All the time when i smiled and laughed with her dad about his birthday.
All the time, i spoke to her sister, and even while i hugged her mother.

By the time i got home, our little chat had been turned around in my head over and over and i knew she was right, so i put it on the table. But now, less hopeful.
Not expecting much.

She says i've had to give up more than my fair share. In some ways she's right. Mostly because she knows it all.
I guess that's why i've had to develop the maturity of a 28 year old as i've been told.
LOL! That's now a funny story.
It's just the way it is.

So it's official.
And i thought that the hardest thing would be to see him with someone other than me.
That's still true to some extent. But what was i going to do?
Beg him to stay with me?
Beg him to be my strength when i had none?

I have best friends for that.
People who are there. With me, simply because they want to.
Because being with me, brings them some sort of joy.
The people i'd do anything for.

I've been told that i don't know how to grieve, and that it's all very technical for me.
It comes witht the territory.
I've just never thought that the people i'd give an arm and a leg for wouldn't do the same for me.
I'm everyones strength.
When you look at me, you need to see strong, calm and collected. You need to know that you can count on me, no matter what. You need to know that i'm a woman who's not phased by anything.
And it's the greatest relief to have that elite group that has seen you a mess.
That knows i'l be completely broken and yet on top of my game.
That's the magic of me! :)

So i'm now on project pick yourself up and move on :)
A friend told me she read my blog and that it's the strangest thing for her to think it's over.
Well it is.
Why?
For reasons that are too personal to myself to be listed here.

So now i embark on a journey of healing and getting back on my feet :)
I don't do healing well. I'd rather burry my head in someone elses problems.

What did i do before him?
I'm pretty sure i had a life! A pretty good one at that :)
Hopefully i can find my way back there sooner rather than later.

M says that now i can date so he'll set up a couple of potentials that i should look at. LOL!
He was sadder than i was at the beginning of the phonecall and now he's way more excited than anyone should ever have to be for anyone's love life.
I kind of understand him though.
It's the first time we've been single at the same time.
No 'it's complicated' stories, no ex-stories, just single.

I should probably learn how to heal but right now, i'm not yet in the mood for healing and debauchery.

I simply want to pick up and move on.

This is something i'll have to deal with forever after all. And just like my best friends think i'm worth the fight, some lucky man won't know what hit him ;) And he'll never let me go.
He'll allow me to be his strength when he's weak, and he'll be mine when i'm not strong enough to hope. To dream. To go on.
There's something liberating about opening your true self to someone else. Strengths but mostly flaws. It makes you stronger.
It gives you a true realisation of your sense of self :)

Eveytime i think i don't know how i'll make it from here, i think of that days when i've been with Ciku, with S, with Weru, who could probably write a book about me, and then i think i can probably live through another minute of the day.

This is after all the tommorrow i was worried about yesterday! I've made it into a new day,.. now to take it a minute after minute.
And you know what?
With the support system i have,
i'll be fine :)

Lots of love,
and fresh beginnings!

Cinnamon
XoXo!

My latest obsession.

I find that lately I don’t have much to rejoice about.

I’m deeply sensitive soul. It’s what enables me to connect with people, on a deeper level.

I’m in need of a place to channel my energies. My frustrations. My sadness that seems more like anguish. It’s not the end of the world right?

*chuckle* A lot seems like it’s not the end of the world.

Anyway, my new vice, or not so new vice is the Cello 

I’m in love with this large 4 string instrument that you hold with all you’ve got.

Call my psychotic but I want to learn how to make love to the cello with just a bow and a little pressure.

I want to have it excite me in a way that only a man can. Ignite my senses, in a carefree dance of love.

To pick her up at anytime and feel that my world is alright. To shut out the world so that only she and I count.

To hold her between my thighs and to feel her string rub against the tips of my fingers.

To make everything alright by pouring my soul into our intimate dance.

I say she, because women have the ability to awaken the very deep desires of anyone.

Women listen and know how it feels just because you feel. We feel it too.

Arpeggios, Glissandos, Vibratos, Harmonics,..

The very thought of it,…sends shivers down my spine!

Tommorrow I start my journey. 

Wish me luck! 

with love,

C.

so i talk too much. So what?

This has been a highly charged week in this ever so peaceful life of mine :) (yes. I'm still practicing the power of attraction :)
I'm in love with Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwood's version of  "God Blessed the broken road" :)

It gives me hope. Hope for what? I have no clue really. I know that it fills me with hope in the future.

"Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern Stars,
Pointing me on my way,
Into your loving arms,
This much i know is true,
That God Blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

Tell me those were not the most beautiful lyrics you've heard in a while.

I think it's original version was done by Selah. I stumbled upon it sometime last year, and well, i've had a soft spot for Selah ever since.
As i type it's been on repeat for about 5minutes now. It's about 4 minutes long so as you can imagine, it will be replayed, and replayed until God knows when :)

Yes. Back to the issue at hand.

Today i had a phonecall from a good friend. A best friend actually.
I hurt this friend earlier this week, when i stood him up, and didn't speak to him till about 2hrs after the appointed time :/
Unlike me? Truth. The ever punctual to important dates Cinna that i am, well, just didn't show up :(

I've been really sad about it, and well,..i've sulked for the last two days. But then he calls this evening, and he tells me that he loves me and he's forgiven me. Apparently, i've infiltrated his life so much he can't stay mad at me coz he can't stand not talking to me.
Wow.
Now that's what friendship is about.

He called me, and i'd been crying my eyes out about a towtally unrelated matter, but listening to him, reminded me of all the great things i have going for me. That i have a FANTASTIC support system of people who love me.
And not just love me, but love everything about me, regardless.

They'll laugh when i'm silly, or when i've blundered so badly and on the verge of tears.
They'll hold me while i weep. I've never really known the art of gentile crying. I just wail when i cry. And no. I do not have a pretty crying face!
They'll pick up calls from me at 2am telling them stupid things like how much i miss something. Or reminding them of silly incidences.
They'll be supportive even when they see me go down a path they don't agree with.

They love me anyway. And when anything goes wrong, they'll tell me. When they're mad. They're mad. We yell, we disagree. We hug, we forgive, we love.

So what if i talk gibberish? huh? so what???
They love my gibberish!


Now the realisation of that fact can be quite liberating to this girl, and anyone in general i would imagine!

This post had a direction believe it or not! I forget! 

Blogging makes me somewhat brain dead. The irony, i know. I think my notebook is quickly winning this battle.
The war however,.. well that is a distinctly different matter.

Dear Diary

I'm unable to sleep. I have a lot on my mind. Too much actually.
I find myself wondering how i allowed myself to get to this point.
Why my best friends didn't just smack me right across the face and tell me i was being foolish. We were all so excited.

They say Mtoto akililia wembe mpe. And maybe you were just tired of hearing me pray about the same thing all the time. Maybe you thought that perhaps i should move on to praying for world peace, or doing something for people, instead of spending so much time on this one topic. I'm caught between holding my tongue and wishing you just let me continue to pray for what i wanted!

Maybe i wouldn't be in this mess i'm in now.
Maybe.

Again, i have too much on my mind to make sense, TCM here i come.

Poverty is a curse.

“Poverty is a curse” she said to me today. 

Marietta that is. 

I find that this new friend of mine has a highly critical as well as analytical mind, so hearing those words from her, didn't suprise me.

That simple statement set off a train of thought that translated into this keyboard.

Poverty robs you of all the material possessions you own and then it runs after your soul. It doesn’t stop until it destroys your soul. Breaks your spirit.

It reminds me of a statement I’ve heard repeated countless times and if I said exactly wherefrom it would be insincere. I believe it is based on the Bible. Those who will suffer for your sins are those within your lifeline. Poverty is a curse. It’s a curse from God.

I’m often reminded during my chats with God usually sparked off by listening to Joyce Meyer on Radio 3.16, that I am loved, and blessed, not for anything I have done, or not done, but because of His grace. Because God is who He is.

Poverty is a curse.

When we were younger, my siblings and I were always told by all the adults in my family generally,

“Do not waste food, God will take it away from you.”

I find this statement has one of two reactions pinned to it.

“Even if I don’t eat this, how will it help the person starving in Turkana?” a friend of mine said once, while sneering. I don’t know how it will help them. But what I do believe strongly is that your descendants will pay dearly for your misgivings today.

In me, the warning resulted in a sort of miser. You have no idea. Before I use anything I think to myself of all the cost effective ways of doing so and think whether it’s really necessary. It covers ground from water to food to even the meticulous way that I ensure I do not drop a single grain of rice while I wash or cook or serve it.

God will take it away.

Granted, I have a deep seated love for humanity. I maneuver in slums, childrens homes, among various less fortunate people without as much as a second thought. Sometimes I have thought to myself that I could leave it all behind and work for the less fortunate with all I have. It’s a crazy thought I know. But I have developed over time an attatchment to very little in my life.

People are my passion. Things, not so much.
 

Poverty is a curse.

Put yourself in a poor persons shoes. I want to tell you to close your eyes and imagine, but you need to finish this first  J

Yesterday I had lunch with a new friend. Wahinya. Wahinya is intelligent. Witty. Focussed. Composed. Driven. Sweet. The perfect gentleman. I would comment on his looks but to me, everyone is an empty canvas until I get to know them better.

Before it starts to sound like i’m over sizing this young man up, I must mention now and categorically, that there is still only one young man that I think about constantly during the day, and pray for with the ferver of Saint Monica laying Saint Augustine at the foot of The Cross. He is the one I think about when I get up, and when I go to bed. The one I love, B.

Hehehe,..now that, that’s out of the way J LOL!

Just kidding.

But yes, there was a point to Wahinya.

He asked me to do a random evaluation of why those I approached to do the Slumcode project agreed. And so I posed the same question to myself.

Why am I so passionate about this project?

Legacy. Gift.

What is the gift that I’m leaving to the generations both existent as well as those that have not seen the light of day yet?

Saint Josemaria Escriva de Balaguer has a saying that is quite famous in my circles.

“Blaze a trail” for the Bible does tell us that, “To he whom much is given, much is expected.”

 Luke 12:48

“but he that knew not, and did things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes . And to whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required:”

It kind of reminds me of the story of the talents. The way I see it is if I have been given the gift of compassion and the talent of mobilization as well as a supportive group of friends, the least I can do is use my gift to the best of my ability.

I am loved, not because of anything I have done or not done, but because of who He is.

“Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner. For I am not worthy to receive you, but if you say the word, I shall be healed.”

-Mathew 8:8

Yours reflectively,

C.