People will say what they will

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.--Jewish Proverb

I cheated.
He cheated.
I am too nice.
He is a flirt.
I will rush a man to the alter.
He cannot be faithful to you.
It's only a matter of time before they break up.
How are the two of them coping?
Has he changed?
He's changed!
That was his only flaw.
He loves you, he really is in love with you.
You loved him more than he ever loved you.
We knew the end was coming.
You're better than him.
Do you know how many girls like him?
How could you let him go?

...

These and a slur of many other words have been used on myself as well as some of my closest friends when speculation is ripe about my past relationship.

My friends have had to endure endless lines of questioning about what happened, who did what, it's ridiculous really what people will ask, or say.

This isn't a post to justify anything or to tell the world about what happened.

What trully happened will always remain between my ex and I.

It was after all our own relationship.
And although some friends may know the story better than others, it remains private.
Sealed with the hand of God, for even though hakuna siri ya watu wawili, my secret about what happened and what i feel about it, and my struggle, lies with the only on who sees the depth of my heart when he sees me.

But i will address one thing.

 TRUST.
It's not just a five letter word, it's a lifestyle.

When you find yourself snooping through a grown mans items, and questioning him in a manner likely to suggest that he is a retarded infant, think again.

A man is only yours when he is in your house an in your arms.
In any other circumstance, he belongs to the society, and that includes other women!
Young, old, beautiful, gorgeous women. Some prettier, others not so pretty, but the thing to always remember is that you must trust your man to do the right thing, at the right time.
The minute you don't trust him, it's over, and it's only a matter of time before it's officially over.

Boys will be boys, and they must be boys, for them to turn into men.

So while some think i am too easy going and too nice, i say, i trust. I'm not a watchman! And he is a grown up, who existed before i came along and will continue to do so when i leave.
Let him make his own decisions for woman is a helper, not a controlling boss.

Also,.. there's nothing wrong with being a serious girlfriend. 
Call me a prude but the idea of jumping from one man to another swapping saliva like it was running out and is an antidote isn't exactly classy. Never has been, never will be.
There's herpes remember??


What i'm saying is, that i don't play around with my heart. There are many other women running around hopping from one man to the next, and getting disappointed and thus vowing to never take men seriously, i'm guarding my heart and mind and body, because there's much more to be won in being with someone with whom you can be yourself with and be faithful to, than in having multitudes that you cannot rely on.


Don't take rumour mongers too seriously.
The purpose is often to FOOL you into thinking you have someone you can trust in them.
Kindest regards,


CInnamon.





 

sighs and shrugs

It's been about a month since it was officially over.
I thought somehow, at this point it would be easier, but i still have moments when all i can bear to do is breathe. And with every breath my heart shatters.

Somedays i don't even want to breathe.
But i do anyway.
I may shed a few tears but i breathe, and somehow i make it through the day.

This past weekend, i spent quite a bit of time with the men in my life.
My cousins,uncle and the mainest man in my grannys life, my grand-daddy.

I've found that with age, the state of my relationships with the men in my life greatly resembles that of a Marlow from the beautiful vineyards of South Africa which i imagine, far surpass those of the famous Nappa Valley.

The men in my life have continuously treated women in their lives and in mine with a type of respect that can only be accorded to the woman that you love.

This weekend grand-daddy, also known as Kwaru or rather correctly would be Kwara,.asked me to spend Sunday afternoon with him.
He was in town for only a week to see those closest to his heart as he put it.

Besides, he and granny aka Dani were both unwell, needless to say after they re-united! Heh! They were INSTANTLY healed.
:)
Oh,..love :)

Back to our talk.

Grand-dad wanted to find out how school was going and if i was happy where i was and to hear all the funny stories about my clinicals.

When it came to relationship talk, he looked at me right in the eyes and as if he could read my heart, or see the tears hidden in my eyes, he gave advice.
No questions.
He simply held my hand, and spoke to me from the depths of his heart.
A grandfather who loves his eldest grand-daughter, a concerned parent, a man in love with his wife. One who married the love of his life and has loved and prayed for her every single day of their almost 50year old marriage.

Much of what he told me, is our little secret. Much of it was him holding me and wiping away my internal tears, but he did share some wisdom with me.

No one, can run your relationship.
No one can tell you what to do in your relationship unless you allow them. But you must remember it will be your cross to bear.

Whether you realise it or not, you are special. And you deserve the best. Even Jesus came that you may have the best of eternal life.

When you decide to love someone, love them with all you have. And you'll be okay. There's nothing you will be unable to face if you face it together.
No one, not even your parents can decide how you should live your life, don't allow it.

It made me smile to hear him say that.
It also made me sad.

All in all,..
He prays for me, and as it is, that's more than i could ask for.

The pain seems to get more intense as the days go on.

I've always thought that physical pain is much easier.
You can pop pain killers, and if it doesn't work, you can find a better solution.

Emotional and mental anguish on the other hand,..you MUST live through.
I don't think it gets easier, but i do think we must get better at dealing with the emotions...
What do you think?

All my love,

Cinnamon.

Angry, and not well thought out.

I hate you!
You're supposed to be my friend.
And that means that you should have my best interests at heart.
I hate you.

I hate that you mocked me today.
I hate that you made me feel stupid for the decision i made.
It was mine to make and i'm suffering the consequences.
It was never your call.

I hate you.
I hate that i feel that you jinxed this.
I hate that you wished death upon me,
and that when it came calling, i wasn't strong enough to fight.

I hate you.
I hate what you did to her.
What you did to them.
I guess i must really be a fool to not see past the facade.

I hate you.
I hate that you made her cry.
I hate that you let me cry, and believe that you actually cared.

I hate that i trusted you.
But then again, that's my fault.

I hated you when i met you.
I really did.

But now i hate you even more.

Somewhere along the line, i thought to give you space to be who you needed to be.

But now, i know to trust my instincts.

You're an ass.

A big fat red baboon butt!

I hate you.

You hurt me.

I've been civil long enough.
I've been polite.
I've smiled.
I've been welcoming and non judgemental.
But now,..

i'm mad.
I hate you.
I wish the ground  would pick up and swallow you up.
Or some sort of Tsunami.
Wipe out every trace of you.
Every memory of you.

You took advantage of her, and when you were done, you left her out in the cold.

I hate you.
I really do.

Patience is the greatest virtue!

Dear Diary,

I think by this point we both know i'm not a very patient person.
And that happens to be my biggest pet-peeve. I hate slow people. I really do.

I like people who are quick to act and know what they're doing.

This little fact about me, also makes it terribly hard for me to get along with some people, but that's not for today.

Today i have bigger problems. Or seemingly bigger problems.
Usually when i have these type of problems, I would call up a good guy friend and ask him what to do.
But under the circumstances, all i have is me, S and God.

God should always come first i know, but right now, I'm using a mediator. S.
Her prayers have been a constant source of support. Sometimes i think, that i've reduced her to a prayer warrior for my strength.

Which doesn't help much if i don't do any of that myself. I need to get back to praying. I haven't done that in a while.
I realy should.
Right now, after leaving this machine, I should head straight to my balcony and sit on the rails and have a heart to heart with The Man above, about where i'm at and what i need.

That aside, there are reasons as to why i particularly need the gift of patience.

See, not too long ago. Actually about a week ago today, i told someone that they were moving too fast.
He was sweet and had the potential to sweep me off my feet. Potential? Sorry. He had.

I mean this guy is smooth. Smooth is an understatement.

Yani! Aweza kutoa nyoka pangoni!

Suave, sexy, smooth, grown.
Yani this man has everything i look for in a man.
Grown.
Serious, focussed, driven, playful, funny,..there's never a dull moment with him around,..witty...energetic
Handsome :) Yes, he wears a suit VERY well and gives the nicest hugs.

My goodness!

Anyway, so,..i told this charming not so young man that he was moving too fast.
Kisa na maana?
I'm just out of one relationship and that requires some form of mourning period. Yes?

He's waited for me for over a year? He can wait a few more weeks!
I think moving slowly wouldn't be such a bad idea.

BUT OH! OH! OH! NOW!
All i want to do is move fast.
All i want to do, is text him all day, hear his voice every morning and at night before i go to bed.
I want to look at him fidget and get all nervous around me.
I want him to babble around me and make weird declarations like how he wants two daughters from me, is all.

But i don't want to confuse him.
We need to move slowly.

What's the problem?
I lack patience.
But i need patience.

I need to take it slow, even though i made him not text or call me so often, and now he's taken that to mean every 2 to three days! So now the last time i spoke to him was over the weekend and well,...it's FUREAKING TUESDAY!!
Call me damn it!

I know it seems like a kind of game, but it really isn't.

All good things are worth waiting for.
ANd well, it's important that he's a man, and takes the initiative.

We're both very traditional in that regard, but REALLY!
Damn it!

I like you as much as you like me, but the rules of ettiquette that women in my life with successful relationships have emphasized demand that i sit still and wait.
Not wait. But move on.
Live life. Better myself. Keep myself busy. There's more to life than men. That's true.
And women must learn to be strong in their own right so that they can train to be the backbone of the family.

No one said it would be easy though..

I just wish i had more of that thing we call patience.

My dear Hoy Spirit, anytime now would be GREAT to share! :)

All my best,

Cinnamon.

Dear Diary,

Diary,

Today is a hard day.
I got up. I got up. That in itself feels like a miracle to me.

Going to bed last night i toyed with so many what ifs in my mind, it's ridiculous.

I got up and went to the kitchen and had a glass of fresh mango juice. I like this new tradition we're on. Fresh juice everyday.

Still today is a hard day. I tried a piece of meat. And my system couldn't take it.
So i had some chocolate fudge sprinkled with nuts, and even I couldn't finish my tiny piece. So i picked my glass and went back to bed.

It's the only place i want to be today.
Bed.

Electricity is gone.

Dante called to check up on me. He says to pray.
This is one of those days when i need Him to look into my heart and help me because i'm too weak to say a prayer.

So my prayer is a look to the skies.

Today is a hard day.

But i'll get up and live life.
Besides, life will go on, with or without me.

Kiambu, here i come.

All my love,

Cinnamon

Of Sad stories and toilet bowls.

I haven’t cried over the loss of B.

Somehow, I cried about the prospect of it.

But when it happened, I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.

I’ve laughed about it, more than any sane person would.

It’s not funny, and yet I won’t cry about it.

All I can do is laugh. Which, makes S look at me like I’ve lost my mind, and tell me that I’m being 

hysterical.

I saw it in A’s eyes too. The day she came home to check if I was okay.

That was a good day.

The girls and I went out to ice-cream and cake in the afternoon.

I needed to get out of my own head. Needed to see that life was going on without me. That whether or not I had B, life was going on. Babies were being born. People were dying. Others fell in love while my heart broke. And others fell out of it. All this in that moment when my heart was breaking.

It’s not even so much that he’s not here.

I don’t want him here.

I couldn’t want him here because he thought I needed him.

Only because he wanted to be here no matter what.

Somehow I don’t think what we had is worth the tears.

Like I said, his heart was no longer in it, and I needed to guard my own.

When I’m depressed, I usually end up here.

Not where I am right now, but close.

Over the toilet bowl. Throwing up even what I haven’t eaten.

Throwing up and crying.

I used to make myself throw up.

I thought it would give me a sense of control over my life.

Not anymore.

Besides, my gag reflex comes too easy.

Now all my body knows is that when I get overwhelmed and I cannot cry. It means that I need to 

throw up.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this.

A friend of mine told me once that I need to learn the art of keeping my dirty linen nice and hidden.

I used to talk about things.

Talk about how things made me felt.

I used to talk about things.

Talk it out and exchange ideas.

Not anymore.

And I’m broken up about it.

But I have to be honest with you, don’t I?

This was my way of finding me again.

It serves me right I think.

I didn’t really understand what the word alliance meant before.

I was a horrible friend not understanding what the word alliance meant.

And it serves me right that betraying my alliance burned me.

Talking about things is what made me, me.

It was how Cinnamon was going to change things around me.

Now all I do is keep it in and cry over toilet bowls.

It serves me right.

Alliances are important.

In every situation you must know where your alliances lie.

You cannot sit on the fence.

It should never happen. Don’t let it.

Pick a side and then stick with it.

And if you want to change your side, make sure that you absolutely want to.

Everyone has a right to change their mind.

Just don’t ever imagine that sitting on the fence or jumping ship every two seconds will get you 

anywhere.

Besides, someday soon, you’ll need someone to pledge their allegiance, and all you can hope is that, 

they pledge it for you.

What I’m trying to say is be careful who you fraternize with, you should never lose yourself simply 

because a particular person is in your life.

You’re better off letting them go and remaining true to yourself.

What was this about again?

Oh yes, me needing to focus on something other than,..

All my best,

A thoroughly confused and hurting,

Cinnamon.

Breathe of fresh air :)

My Darling :)

Hello :) I have too many drafts! It's about time i was honest with you.
Acting like it's one big secret is helping us not.

Being single is new to me. Prior to the last relationship, was the only time in my young life that i can say i was trully single.
Since then,i have lost that skill.
If S is anything to go by, i hated it and right now i'm glad i'm over discovering that part of me.

Although it was self imposed singledom, all i wanted to do was be in a relationship.
I wanted someone to spoil with attention.

I like to think that i'm a very loving and giving girlfriend.
I will be at your beck and call, and although i absolutely love my life (most days :) my commitments included, i love having someone to drop all of that to spend time with.
I do it all the time with my friends!

Now that i'm single, and i have no one really to give myself to, i'm spending my energies on my friends :)
Yes. Friends.

They are ones on the other end of the morning calls i get and make.
And usually, the day begins just right.

I have a suitor :)
Yes, i have issues with being alone.:)
I know it, and i accept it..and before you think i need to sort out those issues, i'll have you remember that no man (Or woman) is an island! :)

Let's call him Eric :) (I've always wanted to date an Eric btw!) anyhow, so last week during the only real break down i've had over the end of the relationship, i went through my phonebook and i called every guy in my phonebook that wasn't affiliated with my last relationship in any way.
Eligible bachelors,..and ALL THEIR CELLPHONES were turned OFF!
All TWELVE of them! Again, eligible bachelors are few and i really should stock up on those :)

Anyway, that's when i called Eric!

So now i'm sure u think i wanted to use and abuse this man, but nope.
I was now frustrated and all i wanted to do is focus on someone else. So i picked Eric.

There's a background story to Eric,..I met him in the honeymoon stage of my last relationship. And this girl was starstruck! Not because sijui he's famous or anything like that, but he had a certain presence that i loved. What was the problem then?
Eric was my type.
Towtally! from the description i've always given my girls about the man i will marry :)
What did i do?
I ran.
I took off at 180Km/h in the opposite direction.

He showed up at the office everyday since the day we met. He brought me coffee, he called me to chat, he was all that and more.

And then one day he handed me the keys to his car. Now that is a story for another day, but Eric is suave.
He knew what he wanted and he was out to get it.

He asked for my number, and at his insistence i took his instead.

I was focusing on my new love.
Eric would take a backseat, and if neccesary, forever.

So i called Eric and he was very excited to hear from me.
It's been at least 6months since the last time i saw him.

His career has taken off beautifully! I would know. I googled him :D

Yes, he's old enough to be googled and have a net worth!
*sigh*

So he's much older than me, but we get along beautifully. And my girls don't seem to mind the age thing much. I spoke to an aunt of mine and she says that it's okay, and just to take it slow.

Need i say it?
GREEN LIGHT!
:D

I know i need to. Take it slow, that is.I'm just out of a relationship after all!

But after over 6months the very thought of me turns Eric to mush! He BLUSHES when our colleagues mention me. I love it! :)

Plus there's no harm in getting to know someone right?

He's gentle, calm, polite, focussed, confident, loud enough and has more energy than he knows what to do with. Ribenna berry kando!
He has a nice smile :)

He's my friend. And for now, that's all i'm giving.

Besides, this single thing has me wanting to upgrade all areas of my life.
My closet, my hair, my school life, my friends, my family. EVERYTHING!
And until i do so,..there's no room for a semi-permanent to permanent resident in this Cinnamons heart.

S loves it, and she supports it.
She's my sounding board.
She insisted that i grieve and then get mad.
I already got mad.
I am mad.
But it's my fault.

I continually gave my all, and getting nothing in return drained me. It did.

Now i'm glowing.
I'm giving selflessly to those who are giving to me selflessly. We're balanced.
I'm happier. Bouncy-er.

I'm laughing more.
I love to laugh! I'm that girl who giggles. A LOT!
It started off as hysterics so as not to cry, and now i laugh my heart out.
Just this past weekend, i laughed until i began to cry.
How long it been? I can hardly recall the last time life wasn't so serious.

Picking up and moving on is never easy, but it's ALWAYS worth it.
Don't ever give up, just conceed defeat,..There's a WORLD of difference!

Wish me luck! :)
Mwah!

All my love,

Cinnamon
Xoxo.