It's over.

I lay in her arms and i wept.
 I wept with all i had in me.
It was more like tears and hysterical fits of laughter.
I can't cry much anymore, so i laugh.

She moved from the other end of the bed where she had sat only seconds before. Now i was held firmly in her arms while i cried. I could hear her heartbeat. She wept with and for me. My best friend.
She listened to me as she's always done up to what's quickly approaching millions of times.

She's the one i call when i need to scream, laugh, rejoice and cry. And like i've said before, i have never learnt the art of gentile crying. She held me and she loved me as the mascara and eye-liner smudged and as my nose began to run. As i began to tremble.
She didn't speak a word. She just held me.

She was the one i told, when it began, and she was the one i was with when i realised that it was now trully over.

There's something about loving someone. What they don't say hurts, it hurts deeply, but what they say, hurts even more.

I guess some part of me was holding on, hoping, but nope. Nothing was going to change the fact that his heart was no longer in it.

I could feel it. And my heart?
It broke all the way home. All the way to her house. All the time when i smiled and laughed with her dad about his birthday.
All the time, i spoke to her sister, and even while i hugged her mother.

By the time i got home, our little chat had been turned around in my head over and over and i knew she was right, so i put it on the table. But now, less hopeful.
Not expecting much.

She says i've had to give up more than my fair share. In some ways she's right. Mostly because she knows it all.
I guess that's why i've had to develop the maturity of a 28 year old as i've been told.
LOL! That's now a funny story.
It's just the way it is.

So it's official.
And i thought that the hardest thing would be to see him with someone other than me.
That's still true to some extent. But what was i going to do?
Beg him to stay with me?
Beg him to be my strength when i had none?

I have best friends for that.
People who are there. With me, simply because they want to.
Because being with me, brings them some sort of joy.
The people i'd do anything for.

I've been told that i don't know how to grieve, and that it's all very technical for me.
It comes witht the territory.
I've just never thought that the people i'd give an arm and a leg for wouldn't do the same for me.
I'm everyones strength.
When you look at me, you need to see strong, calm and collected. You need to know that you can count on me, no matter what. You need to know that i'm a woman who's not phased by anything.
And it's the greatest relief to have that elite group that has seen you a mess.
That knows i'l be completely broken and yet on top of my game.
That's the magic of me! :)

So i'm now on project pick yourself up and move on :)
A friend told me she read my blog and that it's the strangest thing for her to think it's over.
Well it is.
Why?
For reasons that are too personal to myself to be listed here.

So now i embark on a journey of healing and getting back on my feet :)
I don't do healing well. I'd rather burry my head in someone elses problems.

What did i do before him?
I'm pretty sure i had a life! A pretty good one at that :)
Hopefully i can find my way back there sooner rather than later.

M says that now i can date so he'll set up a couple of potentials that i should look at. LOL!
He was sadder than i was at the beginning of the phonecall and now he's way more excited than anyone should ever have to be for anyone's love life.
I kind of understand him though.
It's the first time we've been single at the same time.
No 'it's complicated' stories, no ex-stories, just single.

I should probably learn how to heal but right now, i'm not yet in the mood for healing and debauchery.

I simply want to pick up and move on.

This is something i'll have to deal with forever after all. And just like my best friends think i'm worth the fight, some lucky man won't know what hit him ;) And he'll never let me go.
He'll allow me to be his strength when he's weak, and he'll be mine when i'm not strong enough to hope. To dream. To go on.
There's something liberating about opening your true self to someone else. Strengths but mostly flaws. It makes you stronger.
It gives you a true realisation of your sense of self :)

Eveytime i think i don't know how i'll make it from here, i think of that days when i've been with Ciku, with S, with Weru, who could probably write a book about me, and then i think i can probably live through another minute of the day.

This is after all the tommorrow i was worried about yesterday! I've made it into a new day,.. now to take it a minute after minute.
And you know what?
With the support system i have,
i'll be fine :)

Lots of love,
and fresh beginnings!

Cinnamon
XoXo!