I haven’t cried over the loss of B.
Somehow, I cried about the prospect of it.
But when it happened, I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.
I’ve laughed about it, more than any sane person would.
It’s not funny, and yet I won’t cry about it.
All I can do is laugh. Which, makes S look at me like I’ve lost my mind, and tell me that I’m being
hysterical.
I saw it in A’s eyes too. The day she came home to check if I was okay.
That was a good day.
The girls and I went out to ice-cream and cake in the afternoon.
I needed to get out of my own head. Needed to see that life was going on without me. That whether or not I had B, life was going on. Babies were being born. People were dying. Others fell in love while my heart broke. And others fell out of it. All this in that moment when my heart was breaking.
It’s not even so much that he’s not here.
I don’t want him here.
I couldn’t want him here because he thought I needed him.
Only because he wanted to be here no matter what.
Somehow I don’t think what we had is worth the tears.
Like I said, his heart was no longer in it, and I needed to guard my own.
When I’m depressed, I usually end up here.
Not where I am right now, but close.
Over the toilet bowl. Throwing up even what I haven’t eaten.
Throwing up and crying.
I used to make myself throw up.
I thought it would give me a sense of control over my life.
Not anymore.
Besides, my gag reflex comes too easy.
Now all my body knows is that when I get overwhelmed and I cannot cry. It means that I need to
throw up.
I don’t know why I’m talking about this.
A friend of mine told me once that I need to learn the art of keeping my dirty linen nice and hidden.
I used to talk about things.
Talk about how things made me felt.
I used to talk about things.
Talk it out and exchange ideas.
Not anymore.
And I’m broken up about it.
But I have to be honest with you, don’t I?
This was my way of finding me again.
It serves me right I think.
I didn’t really understand what the word alliance meant before.
I was a horrible friend not understanding what the word alliance meant.
And it serves me right that betraying my alliance burned me.
Talking about things is what made me, me.
It was how Cinnamon was going to change things around me.
Now all I do is keep it in and cry over toilet bowls.
It serves me right.
Alliances are important.
In every situation you must know where your alliances lie.
You cannot sit on the fence.
It should never happen. Don’t let it.
Pick a side and then stick with it.
And if you want to change your side, make sure that you absolutely want to.
Everyone has a right to change their mind.
Just don’t ever imagine that sitting on the fence or jumping ship every two seconds will get you
anywhere.
Besides, someday soon, you’ll need someone to pledge their allegiance, and all you can hope is that,
they pledge it for you.
What I’m trying to say is be careful who you fraternize with, you should never lose yourself simply
because a particular person is in your life.
You’re better off letting them go and remaining true to yourself.
What was this about again?
Oh yes, me needing to focus on something other than,..
All my best,
A thoroughly confused and hurting,
Cinnamon.
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